lady_savant

0114 on the 25th
I had a good low key day today. I worked on my first dragon scale scarf. It's coming along but now I'm thinking maybe I should take it apart and make barefoot sandals out of the yarn instead. That's much more likely to sell at Faireworlds this summer. I have about three hours of stitching done and I think I'm getting better at the pattern. What do you guys think? (Not that I think anybody is still around reading my entries. At least no one who's going to respond.)

Amanda told me ad I was walking out the door to go get her that she had a headache and would be staying home. I think what irritate me is that she waits till I'm probably on the road to her house before she tells me these things. I really shouldn't let it bother me. She missed game night with the kids though, her loss.

When I arrayed Taylor gave me a book he thought I would benefit from "The fire starter sessions" by Danielle Laporte. Flipping through the pages it's set up interestingly. Part of the blurb on the back caught my eye "Life balance is a myth, and the pursuit of it is causing us more stress than the craving for balance itself." I pointed out that it was the first thing that struck me but I'm sure I bungled it when I spoke further. I personally believe in the pursuit of balance and that finding balance hints on finding out what idle truly important to you. I think most of us especially in our first attempts towards balance try to balance everything we currently have on our plates. We soon realize, or not, that we must declutter our lives before we can did balance in them. I find that simplification is a first step in finding balance. But that could just be me. I know I didn't say anything as cleaver on well thought out as the above earlier though.
Edit 4-25-2012:1730
{Also, and I think this is what I said, "is that people tend to overcompensate and overbalance themselves". Which is not to say they create too much balance but that they try to do too much of what they have been neglecting at once and thus and thus tip themselves off balance in the other direction or give up out of frustration.}

I had a good time playing games, especially after Kelson's went to bed. I don't nessecerily think it's his fault but he can tire a person. I got to play Othello again with Taylor this time and it was fun. He's good at the game. I headed out a bit earlier than usual he looked like he wanted to do some reading and I felt a headache coming on.

I went for a little drive around the area and then home. I chatted with Joann some trading her a lemon Marionberry muffin for a roastbeef and cheeder sandwich. I worked on my scarf, which I might be taking apart, while watching Every Day. The little boy in that movie has the best smile every. I decided to come ip and maybe read some before bed buy I think journaling and than meditation might be my best course instead.

2343
It strikes me that while I have not done it often I have always been drawn to bread and baking. And listening to a TED talk on Netflix it occurred to me that bread making is alchemy.

I just heard what must have been an entire flock of geese fly over my house. They sounded joyous, like they were having a good time of it.

0252 on the 24th
I finished five barefoot sandals out of the silver sparkle Vanna yarn. Once I got the hang of the crocodile stitch it went very quickly. Having figured out the triangle scale pattern the rectangular scarf is proving easier to figure out. (Providing I don't skip half a V stitch.) The hot pink cotton fingerling yarn I traded Diana a amulet pooch for is proving a bitch to do this stitch with and after two more rows tomorrow, I got my first row done moments ago, I might scrap it's use for this and use it for something with a simpler stitch that will showcase the variegation in the yarn width. Maybe a thin scarf with a bigger hook. For this it's proving quite annoying.

For now I'm tired. I watched 23 TED talk episodes. Great interesting stuff, but I am talk and crafted out for the evening. Off to bed for me.


Sincerely,
Victoria/Savant

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2026
I think I tend to push myself harder than I really need to. I think I demand more of myself sometimes than I should. I can be completely ungrateful of what I have accomplished. I can be completely uncaring that I have done a splendid job by anyone's sane standards.

At times, most times, I think I expect instant results from things, especially magical things. An expecting that is unrealistic on any terms. I have realized that I read more books than three quarters of my my closest friends, and still I find myself berating myself for not having read more.


Sincerely,
Victoria/Savant

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April 23

Playing Small
There will never be an "us"
if I play small.

-SHARON PRE I S S

In Dante's Divine Comedy, the only difference between the lovers who find themselves enduring Hell and the lovers working their way through Paradise is that those in Hell have no individual center, and so they spin in endless identification with each other.

Hard as it is, we cannot shrink from our relationships or we simply become an audience or gofer for the dominant partner or friend. Like most of us, I have struggled with this my whole life: fearful of what might happen if I actually voice my concerns and needs, surprised that doing so-while not always easy or pleasant-always enables me to be myself more fully.

Then, not by chance, I'm always more able to feel and see the world around me. I bring more to the scene and am revitalized more readily by my daily experience.

The great philosopher Martin Buber, who believed that God is most deeply known through relationship, spoke to the heart of this paradox. He said that before there can be a true relationship, there must be two separate beings who can relate. Most of our life experience bears this out. Unless we work to be ourselves, we can never truly know others or the numinous world we live in.

- As you breathe, do not disappear.

- Sit quietly, and as you inhale, realize that the expansion of your spirit is what knows the world.

- During your day, when feeling small, inhale slowly and present yourself again to all that is around you.






Sincerely,
Victoria/Savant

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1436
Today is a beautiful day. Brian has bible study with Mike and I decided to stay out for awhile. I dropped off books that were due at the library and then drove around listing to Abney Park enjoying a nice long drive around the southeast Portland/ Sellwood area.

I finally decided to stop at the tiny park on Flavel to read and maybe crochet. I keep coming up with dragon-scale design adaptation ideas that I really should illustrate. I need to learn the stitch before I can create them but I know they are good ideals.

I opened this to say that I have really always loved spiral staircases. I think they would be great in a home.

1653
It's lovely out. I cane home from the park after reading to work in the yard before the magical meet-up. I cleared a yard debris bin of blackberry vies from the side of the house. There is probably four bins full still to go. After that is cleared I have rose bushes to prune as well. It was good physical labor strenuous, which tells me I'm way out of shape.

Brian is cleaning up the garage and it looks like e is getting rid of a bunch of stuff. The entire neighborhood is trimming lawns and playing and sitting out enjoying te afternoon warmth. I pulled out my crochet to work on some dragon-scale footless sandals to try and get the pattern down. I think they might sell well at Faireworlds as well. I will work on thicker stuff for the fall and winter venues.

1719
I find it really interesting that Brian insisted on setting up storage for my bike in the garage in a way that I cant hope to use without his assistance. The last bike was hung from the ceiling and I could barely reach it let alone get it down to use. This was not courtly allure crap in the way of me doing so even if I were able. The new bike was to heavy and awkward for even Brian to put on the ceiling. So he was thinkig of another alway and one f us suggested that we put it one the wall. So he's doing that and hasn't even asked me if I think I can do it.

1734
Thinking on it I believe I was the one who digested the wall hook which would explain why he never asked. Once done he did ask if I could get it down and back up and I could with some finagling. The hook wants to turn and that will probably be a problem in te long run.

Time to cook my side dish and get going to the meet-up. Amanda just texted and asked for a ride to the gathering and frankly I thought that was a given. Nice of her to ask instead of assume though.

1816
Brian seems in a less than pleased. Maybe grumpy would be the way to put it. After Mike left he started working on the garage which has needed a deep cleaning for a long time now. The garage and his bedroom are the only things i insist he clean since they are his rooms. Derwin walked out and said it was a beautiful day and Brian bit his head off about himself working not playing. I don't think Derwin noticed and I just shooed him back inside and ignored Brian's grumping. I'm getting better at that. Not all of his moods have anything to do with me and until he brings a grievance to me I should act like it's not my duck unless I know I commuted an offense. Besides his bring grumpy about spending his beautiful day cleaning is his fault, I did not tell him that he had to clean it this weekend, he chose to do it.

1114 on the 22nd
I cooked green-beans squires with onions and garlic for my side to take to the magical meet-up and it turned out well. I'm trying to broaden my repotuar of side dishes and it's nice to discover that it's working well.

In telling another group of people about my magical background I find it changes slightly each time. I think partly it's due to self understanding and self editing. Figuring out which part of my story is relevant to my telling. It's all true, even the stuff I tell no one about. Because there are things I almost don't believe but I know I experienced. Though if there were a group of people to understand and believe this would be them. I love the fact the it's such a diverse group. In one gathering we can touch on a multitude of topics, sometimes it sends my head reaping trying to keep up, but I love it.

Last nights experiment and presentation were well timed and left me exhausted and exhilarated. I needed some alone time to process and get it down. Then Kat gifted me her finger labyrinth which is a large two foot wide eleven circuit green labyrinth. It was moving and means a lot to me. I have looking at getting one but as with so many magical tools I've looked at price has been a major factor. It will help me greatly with my magical/labyrinth studies.

I took Amanda home, deciding not to visit more at her place I needed to go home an process the evenings events. When I arrived home Brian was getting out of the bath and took me back down to see what he had accomplished in the garage. It look(ed-s) so much better. I saw like five boxes worth of stuff stacked at the back and sitting along the side of the driveway. Very well done. He wants Amanda to check out the bike in the garage that Willie left and see if she likes it. It would cost less than a new bike to fix and he offered to do the work.

After applying aloe to my arms and chest, I burnt myself pretty good sitting reading in the sun yesterday, and writing in my magical journal I decided the best course was to get some sleep. I was so tired. I laid down and got back up wide awake twice. Finally I just stayed up reading "A Spiral Staircase" until around four in the morning. I grabbed an apple and a cheese stick munched and awhile later got some sleep.

I kept waking up but when I finally got out of bed around nine-thirty I was well rested.


Sincerely,
Victoria/Savant

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2045
Bike riding really isn't something I remember doing a lot as a child. I remember my dad putting together a bike for me and painting it pink. I remember riding a bike with the cleat peddles down a really steep hill without shoes on. But I don't remember bikes too much more than that. And here I am out late in the evening trying to take my new bile for a ride.

Frankly I don't think I'm much good at it currently but I hope to practice. Brian is right, the bike really is too tall for me. Im finding it hard to get started without going all over the place and a simple pause difficult to maneuver. I'm sure that I will get used to it but I think I will have to practice and that doing so on a main road probably isn't the best way to go about it.

I should also drop by the DMV and pick up a book on bike safety and laws. When I road a bike in Oklahoma we didn't have such things.

2302
I'm not in much of a tv movie mood. I did watch Fahrenheit 451 this evening. There is something wonderful and sad about it. I love the reassurance that knowledge will always did a way to overcome ignorance, but that we always seem to have to go there is a shame.

I finished "Through a narrow gate" by Karen Armstrong early this morning. It was a good book. I'm on to "The spiral staircase" by the same author and which was the first book I intended to read before realizing there was a first. So far I think I could have read the second on it's own, she gives a lot of preface in this second book, but I am glad to have read the first.

I made fried-rice this evening for dinner but it didn't turn out quite right in my opinion, Derwin quite disagrees as he has had at least seconds. Joanne shared her tasty tiny ham sandwiches with me after she arrived. I had taken the time for a shower and to put my laundry away before that. Earlier in the day I wrangled books due back at the library to take back tomorrow on my way to get Amanda for the magical meet-up.

For now I think I will do more reading. Which reminds me, I recently went through the last few years of day planners. This is where I had previously been keeping track of the books I've read and movies I've watched. I logged them all into my Awesome Note file and it occurred to me that I say I should get more reading done yet I think I average five books a month. Considering ninety percent of the people I've know since high school are lucky to say they've read five in the last five years old say that's pretty spectacular. Now to focus on the books I keep saying I want to read or figure out why I don't really want to read them.


Sincerely,
Victoria/Savant

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0253
It strikes me as odd that I don't remember how my mother and father met. I find it sad that my mom never took any of us up on our insistence that she write about her life. So much I don't know.

0230 on the 14th
Today was a good feeling day. I slept very well and woke refreshed. The weather was nice. I made pork stew for dinner and helped Brian get rid of his old bed. It was a good bed, used to be my moms, but it no longer suited either of our lives. He now has a nice hammock for a bed. I hope he doesn't fall out like I almost did a few tines getting re-accustomed to my smaller bed when I first switched back to a twin. We took the box-spring and mattress over to Damon, because of a childhood trams he prefers his bed to be on the floor so we might use the wood from the bed frame for something else.

I worked on another amulet bag. I'm doing this one in purple and green. This purple only looks purple to me when it's up against this green. Otherwise it's just grey to me. It should be nice when I'm done with it. I'm working on being looser with my single crochets, I can be pretty heavy handed with that stitch.

I've been watching Medium. Made it about half way through season five I think. It's a good show. There are a lot of my favorite current shows that I am way behind on though. Ah well, it's just tv shows.

I'm reading a few books. I just finished "1984" by George Orwell, and frankly I can't imagine someone reading it an not drawing parallels to our current political regime and bullshit. Why can we not learn to be better as a species? I bought "Magical Identity" from Taylor and haven't gotten too far. Mostly because I became engrossed in making these amulets bags. Damn I wish he had audiobooks, but then I wish all occult authors would figure-out that there was a demand for occult audiobooks. I have a feeling that many pagans are hands on people and busy and would benefit from the combination of audiobooks and paper books. I think they are most effective when mixed. What I have read has been very good.

I bought an app/book "The book of awakenings" by Mark Nepo this evening also. It is an interactive book of days that let's you bookmark the days that speak to you the most and set a reminder to read each day. This is one of the only book of days that has really appealed to me.

I'm also reading "Through the barrow gate" by Kim Armstrong, which is about a girl who becomes a nun and then leaves to find her faith and true calling, a story which is continued in "The spiral staircase". The second appealed to me first and being the second I decided to read this one first. I'm making pretty good progress for only reading a little each night. They're easy to read and make sense to me in a lot if ways. To me it seems she was searching from a young age and I have always been, seeing what others don't and knowing there is more than what they perceive, yet never quite being able to put my finger on it in a satisfactory manor.

Well it is nearly three in the morning and Osborne get to sleep. My medicine is kicking in and should help me sleep well. I might see if I can get it over the counter because I think it's helping. I've had a Ricky lingering cough complete with nasal drip and congestion and a tightness in my chest. If it's not better by Tuesday I will talk to my doctor about in at my check up. For now, sleep. Good night y'all and safe travels.


Sincerely,
Victoria/Savant

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